The Conversations Every Engaged Couple Should Have

When you’re engaged, you think you’ve already checked all of the important boxes and answered the biggest questions.

You’re in love. They’re funny. Kind. Attractive. You laugh together. They make you feel safe. Your families get along. You can picture yourselves growing old together and you can’t imagine your life without them.

It feels like enough. And in many ways, it is.

You spend months planning flowers, tasting cakes, arguing over guest lists, and trying to decide whether you really need the crab cakes or the champagne toast. It feels like you’ve done all the hard work.

I remember feeling that way too. You’re young. You’re beautiful. You’re happy. You’re completely convinced you’ve found your person.

And maybe you have.

But after being married for years now, after watching marriages that have lasted fifty years and marriages that quietly fell apart, I’ve noticed something surprising. The couples who make it aren’t always the couples who loved each other the most on their wedding day or the ones who seem the most romantic. They’re usually the couples who were the most aligned before they ever walked down the aisle.

Because marriage isn’t hard because you stop loving each other. Marriage gets hard because life gets hard.

I’ve seen it all. People lose jobs, parents, children. Businesses struggle. Babies don’t sleep. Infertility wasn’t part of the plan. Someone gets sick. One of you changes.

The initial attraction and infatuation that felt effortless when you got engaged at twenty-five slowly turns into something much deeper – but also much different – when you’ve been married for 15 years at forty.

That’s why I think there are conversations every engaged couple should have before they get married. Not because they’re romantic, but because they make the hard seasons of marriage a little less hard.

Politics

When you’re twenty-five, politics can feel like background noise. You might not talk about it at all or you might even joke that you’ll “agree to disagree.”

I know – nobody wants to talk about politics when they’re planning a wedding and when you’re young, it honestly doesn’t seem that important.

Then life happens. COVID happened.

For the first time, a lot of couples were home together all day long. Suddenly, they weren’t talking about where to go for dinner or whose turn it was to walk the dog. They were debating vaccines, elections, gun policy, and who they trusted. Politics wasn’t just something happening on television, it made its way to the dinner table, and I watched a lot of people realize they weren’t actually on the same team.

Politics usually isn’t just politics. It’s how you view responsibility, freedom, family, community, and sometimes even morality.

You don’t have to agree on every policy – few couples do, and I’m not saying every successful marriage votes the same way. I know plenty that don’t. But understanding why your partner believes what they believe—and whether your core values are compatible, is one of the most important conversations you’ll ever have.

It’s worth asking yourself whether your core beliefs about the world are actually aligned, because those beliefs eventually shape how you raise your children, what you teach them, where you live, and what kind of life you’re trying to build together.

Those conversations become much more important at forty than they ever felt at twenty-five.

Faith

If there’s one conversation people think they’ll figure out later, it’s religion. “We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.”

Then “there” usually arrives sooner than anticipated – with children, struggle, or loss.

On the day you have your first baby, will your child be baptized? What values do you want your children to grow up believing? Will they attend a religious school? Will your family go to church when you are struggling after getting laid off from your dream job? Do you pray together when your Dad dies?

Faith often becomes more important, not less, as people grow older.

I’ve noticed something over the years. The couples I know who are deeply aligned in their faith don’t just seem to stay together longer – they genuinely seem happier. They have a shared foundation that gives them somewhere to stand when life gets difficult.

That doesn’t mean every couple has to look exactly the same. Many couples discover that shared faith provides a common language during grief, uncertainty, and parenting. Others successfully navigate different beliefs, but doing so usually requires intentional conversations and mutual respect.

The important thing isn’t pretending the differences don’t exist. It’s deciding together how your family will live.

Children

This conversation has to go so much deeper than, “Do you want kids?”

How many? When? How do you picture your family? How do you picture yourself as a mom – as a dad?

But I’d also encourage you to have the conversations nobody wants to have. What happens if getting pregnant isn’t easy? The first fertility appointment is a terrible place to discover you’ve never discussed IVF so talk about it all. Would you pursue IVF? Would you consider using a surrogate? Would you use an egg or sperm donor? Would you adopt? How far would each of you want to go to build your family?

I say this because so many women, myself included, grow up dreaming about being mothers. We imagine what our children will look like before we ever meet our husbands.

Then sometimes life doesn’t unfold the way we expected. No one gets engaged expecting infertility to become part of their story – but for many couples, it does.

If becoming parents takes a different road than the one you imagined, it’s incredibly comforting to know your spouse is already standing beside you, instead of trying to decide which direction to go. Knowing you’re walking into those possibilities already united can become one of the greatest gifts you give each other.

The Hardest Conversation You’ll Hopefully Never Need

None of us wants to imagine receiving devastating news during pregnancy. But it happens – and then there’s an even harder conversation. One I know nobody wants to think about.

What if your pregnancy didn’t go as planned? What if prenatal testing showed your baby had Down syndrome? What if your child had a significant medical disability? What if your life was at risk?

Would you and your spouse already know where each other stood? What role do your values, your faith, and your physicians play in those decisions?

To be clear, this isn’t about deciding what the right answer is – it’s about understanding each other’s hearts before you’re ever forced to. I know those conversations feel heavy and emotionally difficult. But they’re much easier to have sitting on your couch with a cup of coffee than sitting in a doctor’s office after receiving heartbreaking news.

Parenting Philosophy

Long before you have children, talk about how you want to raise them. You don’t need every decision figured out before you’re married, but understanding each other’s instincts matters.

Not just whether you’ll spank or use time-outs, although yes, talk about those too. Do you believe in yelling? How were you disciplined growing up? What worked? What do you want to do differently?

Then dream a little together. What are your top three goals for your children as parents?Maybe it’s that every child gets braces because confidence matters to you. Maybe it’s private school. Maybe it’s making sure they graduate college. Maybe it’s raising kind humans who love Jesus. Maybe it’s teaching them to work hard and become independent adults.

The specifics aren’t as important as knowing you’re trying to raise your children toward the same destination. The details will change but having a shared vision matters.

Money

Money is one of the most common sources of conflict in marriage – not necessarily because couples don’t have enough, but because they never discussed how they planned to manage it.

If love is emotional, money is practical. And practicality has a funny way of showing up every single month.

Before you get married, talk about everything.

• Who pays the bills?
• Will you combine your bank accounts or keep separate ones?
• Will one person manage the finances?
• What happens if one spouse stays home to raise children? Is that person’s contribution viewed as equally valuable?
• Are you a fifty-fifty couple financially or is everything simply ours?
• How much debt are you bringing into the marriage?
• How much are you comfortable spending before talking to each other first?
• Do you budget every month?
• Do you save aggressively?
• Do you believe in investing?
• Do you sign a prenup?

Money isn’t just numbers. It’s habits. It’s priorities. It’s security. Most of us spend money the way we watched our parents spend money, and understanding someone’s financial story often tells you more than looking at their bank account ever could.

Household Culture

This is one I don’t think enough people talk about.

Every family has its own rhythm. Some homes have an open-door policy where neighbors and friends are always welcome. Others are deeply private. Some families host every holiday; others prefer quiet weekends together.

What kind of home did your future spouse grow up in? Was it the kind of house where people were constantly stopping by, where friends came over unannounced and everyone was always welcome? Or was it quiet, private – guests only for special occasions?

Neither one is right. But if one of you dreams of hosting every football game while the other needs weekends to quietly recharge, eventually somebody starts feeling uncomfortable inside their own home, and resentment can quietly build.

Talk about:

• How often do you want guests over?
• How much alone time do you need?
• How important are holidays with extended family?
• Will your home be the gathering place?

You’re not just choosing a spouse. You’re creating the culture of your future home – the atmosphere your future children will grow up in.

Sleep

This may sound like the least romantic conversation on the list. It might also be one of the most practical.

Before my husband and I got married, our premarital counselor asked page after page of questions about sleep. Do you like the room cold? Do you sleep with a fan? Do you like the TV on? Do you snore? Do you move around?

I remember thinking, Why in the world are we talking about sleep so much?

Now I know exactly why. My husband likes to shake his legs while he’s falling asleep, and he likes to fall asleep with the television on. I need complete silence, complete darkness, complete stillness.

You can probably already see the problem.

One of the first expensive things we bought after getting married was a mattress that was designed to prevent motion transfer – the idea being that if he shook his legs, I wouldn’t feel it. It actually helped. Eventually we compromised on the television too: he sets a timer every night so it turns off after he’s asleep.

It sounds silly. But this is marriage. Sometimes love looks like buying an expensive mattress.Sometimes it looks like setting a sleep timer. Sometimes it looks like learning that the little inconveniences are worth solving, because neither of you is the enemy.

Neither solution was particularly romantic. But marriage isn’t built only on romance. It’s built on thousands of small accommodations that help both people thrive.

The Story I’ll Never Forget

When my husband and I were dating, he used to tell me something that absolutely drove me crazy. He would tell me I was “convenient.”

Granted English isn’t his first language – but still every single time he said it, I got offended. Convenient? That’s the word you’re choosing? To me, it sounded completely unromantic. I wanted to hear that I was beautiful. That I was his soulmate. That he couldn’t live without me.

He’d laugh and say, “No, no. Of course I think you’re beautiful. Of course you’re smart. Of course you’re wonderful.” Then he’d say something I’ll never forget:

“One day we’ll both be old and gray. We won’t look the way we do today. We won’t be all mushy over each other anymore – the newness will fade – and we still need to have things in common. We have to be aligned because beauty and infatuation alone aren’t enough.”

At the time, I hated hearing it. I thought it was the least romantic thing anyone had ever said to me. Now I think he was trying to explain compatibility. He just didn’t have the English word for it.

Love changes over time. The butterflies eventually become something quieter, deeper, more dependable. When life inevitably brings job loss, illness, infertility, aging parents, children who test every ounce of your patience, or financial hardship, those shared values become the foundation that keeps two people moving in the same direction.

Marriage is already hard enough. You don’t need unnecessary friction because you never talked about the things that matter the most – politics, finances, faith, children, parenting, or how you want a home to feel. The fewer unnecessary inconveniences you create before marriage, the more energy you’ll have to face the challenges neither of you saw coming.

Before You Say “I Do”

If I could recommend one thing to every engaged couple, it would be this: go see a marriage counselor. Not because your relationship is struggling – because it’s healthy.

Our premarital counselor asked questions I never would have thought to ask on my own. Some of them seemed ridiculous at the time, especially all the ones about sleep. Now I realize they weren’t asking about sleep. They were teaching us how to understand each other. How to compromise. How to build a life instead of just planning a wedding.

And that may be the greatest gift you can give your future marriage.

The wedding will be beautiful. The flowers will eventually wilt. The dress will go into a box. The pictures will hang on the wall. But the conversations you have before you walk down the aisle – those are the ones you’ll still be living twenty years later.

Your engagement isn’t just preparing you for one beautiful day.

It’s preparing you for ten thousand ordinary Tuesdays.

The happiest marriages I’ve seen weren’t built because two people avoided difficult conversations.

They were built because two people chose to have them while they still liked each other enough to listen.

Bride to Baby Recommends

If these conversations feel overwhelming, don’t worry—you don’t have to have them all in one night. Some of the best conversations happen over months of engagement, not one long dinner.

These are a few resources we love for couples preparing for marriage:

Conversation & Relationship tools

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman

This New York Times Bestseller has revolutionized the way we understand, repair, and strengthen marriages. John Gottman’s unprecedented study of couples over a period of years has allowed him to observe the habits that can make—and break—a marriage.

Buy Now →

(paid link)

Couples journal

The Marriage Journal – 52-Week Couples Journal

Answer six thoughtful prompts each week in this workbook journal for couples to spark meaningful communication, deepen emotional connection, and nurture a healthy relationship.

Buy Now →

(paid link)

Book for navigating finances in a relationship

Money for Couples: No More Stress. No More Fights. Just a 10-Step Plan to Create Your Rich Life Together

Discover your “Rich Life” by learning to: Stop fighting over money, get both partners to participate in finances, reconcile with one partner being the saver and the other the spender, take control of your debt.

Buy Now →

(paid link)

Shared financial & budget planner

Budget Book with Expense Tracker

Effective Budget Planning – Take control of your finances with the budget account book. This comprehensive planner allows you to plan and track your income, expenses, savings, and financial goals in one convenient place.

Buy Now →

(paid link)

household planning binder

Fireproof Accordion File Organizer

To help file, organize, and protect all of your paperwork as a newly engaged or married couple, this purchase will prove to be useful for years to come as your family evolves and grows. Flame retardant to protect all your important documents to give you peace of mind.

Buy Now →

(paid link)

Editor’s Note

The greatest investment you’ll make before your wedding isn’t in your venue, your flowers, or your photographer.

It’s in learning how to understand the person you’ll wake up next to for the rest of your life.

That’s a conversation worth having.

Bride to Baby

For the years between “I do” and “Mom.”

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